How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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