just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The beer is more important than you right now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
