I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize