I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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