I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
