new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
