I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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