My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
