yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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