i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
