I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
