The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
