Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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