what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
