Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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