Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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