Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
