What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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