you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
