im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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