He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
