my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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