I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
