i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
