God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize