my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
