u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
