You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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