She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize