I met the friendliest cop last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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