Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
