peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
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