I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
