Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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