you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize