u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
