I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
