Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
