just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
