the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
