Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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