the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
