if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
