I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
