I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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