Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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