I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
