I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
