so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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