i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
