just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
