Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
so much tequila, so little girl.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
