I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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