I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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