I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
