3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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