I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
